We can't let kids climb trees because they will DIE. We can't let them ride their bike around the neighborhood because they will be kidnapped or lured in by above mentioned predatory perverts.
I am a fan of seat belts and car seats and helmets. They save lives. I'm not advocating freedom in lieu of safety. I also don't believe in letting kids roam completely free, but I think the world isn't nearly as dangerous as we have been told it is. In fact, statistically it is safer today to be a kid than it ever has been. Crime rates have dropped dramatically since 1993.
A few Sunday's back my kids and their cousins wanted to go up to the park by my parents house. Usually this means an adult has to be coerced to go with them. When I was little we went to the park all the time. So this Sunday we said, fine, go. Without adult supervision. The rules were: stick together, stick together, and stick together. And they went. And they were...FINE. Totally fine. The molesters and kidnappers and evildoers left them in peace.
I think we need to wean ourselves from the scary sensational stories and realize that maybe things aren't that different from when we were kids, except the rumormongering is far worse. We have common sense and we have gut instincts and we as parents can use those. There are homes and people I am wary of, but I think that for the most part its okay to let the kids out. I don't particularly like to watch my kids climb trees because I am terrified that they will fall and injure themselves. So I just turn away and walk away, biting my tongue. So they climb. But really, I think it is important for kids to be able to gain confidence and independence. I'm not all the way there yet.
I walk or drive my kids to friends houses or the church, but I'd like to let them just go. Like I did when I was little.
Another thing I've been thinking about is video games (if that is even what they are still called). We don't have them. More and more I feel like we are the last hold outs. I despise the idea of them. I know that my kids would play all day if we had them. When I let them watch TV they watch until I turn it off. They would watch all day. I know I would use it as a "get the kids out of my hair, stop bugging me, leave me in peace" tool. I hate having conversations with children that can only talk about wii or other games. It bugs. And I've met a lot of kids that have a serious case of gaming on the mind.
I fear my kids would stop playing creatively if we bought a game system. At the same time, are my kids going to be uber-freaks? Are they going to be able to relate to other children? And kids and cell phone and texting.....don't get me started.
I just think it is important to let kids be bored enough to get creative. And I'm amazed at how creative my kids can be when left on their own. I'm not talking about me arranging a craft festival or an elaborate game for them. I'm talking about letting them do what they want. Being bored enough to turn on the creativity. Sometimes when I go downstairs and the kids are in the middle of some elaborate game I'm amazed. Like the time they were orphans whose parents had died on the Oregon trail (a little morbid maybe, but still). The game was the adventure of how they made it to Oregon safely without parents. It was amazing. They had costumes, a covered wagon, a river, a forest, horses, and more. Before they started the game they were bored to tears. ("What can we do?" "I don't know, but go downstairs or outside and don't ask me that question one more time.") If we had wii would I have just given in to get them out of my hair?
So am I totally weird? What do you all think? Have you found a balance? Are you willing to let your youngsters ride their bikes around the block, or climb a tree?
Anyway here are a couple of things I've read about "free-range kids" and letting go a bit. I've also put links to some books I want to read. Any other suggestions?
14 comments:
thanks for writing this, anna. i have also thought about this quite a bit as, if i let myself be, i am a VERY paranoid parent. i get nervous almost any time sophie's not with me or tom (sometimes even when she's with tom. he's kind of crazy. don't tell. :)). true story. i wonder if other people will watch her like i do, know her limitations, etc, etc. i hate that i'm like that. i think you're right on in this post. i know tom would love it if i were a little more free with sophe. i need to be! and way to go on not having a game system. we never had one growing up and weren't completely nerdy. :) i'm kind of proud of the fact that i can't play video games to save my life. i hope i can be as good of a mom as you!
I have to say, I don't like video games either!!! I hope I find a happy medium one day:) I really don't know what to tell you about the other stuff, but when you do find out a good balance, let me know:)
I think you have some good points. However I think the Wii is awesome. I hate video games with the passion. I think they promote laziness, social skill issues, and so on. I gave in and got a wii. We do it as a family and it is fun. My kids don't over play it at all. I think there is a difference in the attraction of video games to boys and girls. So I can only speak as a mom of 4 girls. I don't regret buying, they are never sitting on their booty playing it. If I felt that they did play it too much I would tell them to turn it off and go play outside.
If there is a real problem these days it is that parents are too afraid to be parents. When I tell my kids to do something, they do it.
As far as over protecting your kids. Remember, you live in Utah. We can't all feel as safe as you do when sending them to a local park. Wish I could, but I can't. It is a different world outside of Utah!
Amen, Anna! A few bumps and scrapes are okay, and the 24-hour news cycle makes every nasty event that happens anywhere feel like it's occuring in your own neighborhood.
I totally agree. NO VIDEO GAMES. And look at how well rounded I am. That's one of the things I love about Waimea. I know bad things happen all over, but I loved climbing guava trees and going hiking behind the house...unsupervised. I know I'll be more of a freak when I actually have kids, but right now I really like the idea of just letting them be kids.
Bad things can happen, but they happen to protected kids, too. I don't know where the Babbels live, but I had complete freedom to go anywhere I wanted on my bike in Los Angeles, for heaven's sake, and I am glad.
Teach them how to be safe, not just from predators but make them aware of the dangers of traffic while on their bikes. Even in the idyllic 1950s kids were kidnapped, fell from trees, were and run over by cars. It is just part of life. You can keep them safe locked in the cupboard under Aunt Petunia's stairs, or let them live life with potential danger. But for pity sakes, the could get radon poisoning under the stairs. There are no guarantees.
It will be every bit as dangerous when they start to drive and they go out with friends; you wait for the door to slam at midnight. You still allow them to go even though it ruins MANY years of sleep.
It isn't any different than getting on an airplane. It could (and sometimes does) fall from the sky. That possibility doesn't keep you from flying and enjoying New York, London, or Paris, though.
Wii is fun, but nothing even vaguely comparable to playing pioneer orphans on the Oregon trail.
You are on the right track: cut 'em loose.
D.
I don't think Utah is any more safe or unsafe than anywhere else. Statistically speaking this is true. I think we think life is more dangerous than it is.
thanks for writing this Anna... lots of things I've thought about at different times.... first off, about video games - I say WAY TO GO to you guys! your kids will definitely not be weirdos or socially unadjusted if they never have them! it is way too easy for video games to get out of control and definitely quash creative, thinking kids. I agree that its really important to let kids have opportunities to get creative and to not always be plugged into something. sure, you could have a video game system and some limits, like they get an hour of play a week when chores are done, homework done, etc. but, I also think there's nothing wrong not having them - probably better in the long run! we didn't have video games all growing up - not until I was a junior in high school (I'm the oldest) and I think things definitely went downhill once we got a system - people were on it ALL day, relationships went downhill, etc. That story about your kids playing Oregon Trail is priceless!
anyways... about the safety things - I totally know what you mean. I think Eric would tell you that I am the most paranoid person on the planet. I know it's not good... but I just can't help worrying - I'd rather be safe than sorry. But, then I reminisce about all the roaming I did as a kid - walking to school alone, goiong on picnics to the park with my friends alone, riding my bike around with my little sister, etc. We had so much fun! They made for awesome memories! And I'm sure my mom enjoyed a little quiet. :) So, thinking about those things, I feel like I want my kids to have those same opportunities to learn, grow, have fun, and develop a little independence.
Growing up, I always had all these theories about how I would raise my kids and what I would and wouldn't let them do, but I've found that actually having kids has changed me. I love Elena more than anything and I throw up at just the thought of something bad happening to her. I want more than anything to keep her safe and healthy and happy, but, so does every parent, right?
But, I think you're right... people (especially me!) are probably definitely over-worried about a lot of the dangers we hear about in the world. I think we just need to teach our kids, like you or someone in your comments said, about how to be safe and smart when they are out and about, use the buddy system, follow the spirit, and let go a little when they are old enough.
I'll try.... :)
We have a wii. I don't mind it - as long as the kids (and I) are monitoring how much time they spend playing it. (I almost like it when they play wii instead of watching TV). Balancing it with lots of outdoor play and "being bored" creative stuff too. I think it's all about balance - and not going to an extreme either way.
Marrying Wes helped me calm down a lot about safety issues. He's pretty laid back - even though he is a peds doc. (And I am referring more to the "tree climbing" not the neighborhood wandering). I am always saying "They might get hurt!" And he says, "Yep - they might!" But I am learning that a few mild scrapes and falls aren't the end of the world. We learn from these kinds of things, right?
Fabulous post. Include playing online games as a way kids can get addicted... (We have three computers and still have fights over which kid sits a turn out.) We don't have cable and only have an old N64 and let me tell you how many awesome forts the kids have made this summer! I agree that kids to be allowed some freedom, though I will say that some places are certainly safer than others, so you have to weigh the risks depending on where you live. Great post!
Let the kids run free. Hell yeah. We used to go to the same park with you guys all of the time when we'd come to visit. I spent much of my youth in trees. I was (and am) such a cautious person on my own that I kept myself safe. Kids aren't brain dead.
Though we had the funky Atari home computer system with some lame games, we didn't keep buying every system that came out. I'm glad I grew up almost free of video games. It freaks me out that so many guys my age (mid-30s) are still addicted to video games - to the point where it is a point of serious contention with their wives. Creepy.
Teach them common sense, let them be creative and give them freedom to be kids. I like your style.
Love this idea. I do think that we are a little crazy overprotective when it comes to the free range kids. On our last visit to Utah I was telling Adam about how my brother and sister and I would ride our bikes all over town (Veterans pool, PHS, the park, downtown, 7 peaks, etc) and how we didn't think a thing of it. And I'm not sure that I'd let my kids do any of that now....although, sometimes I wonder if it's because I get suckered in to the idea that no one else is letting their kids do those things so I guess I shouldn't either. I mean, do you know any child that walks to school anymore like we used to?
This year I started letting Max and our neighbor walk home from the bus stop together. Mostly, it's sooo nice to not have to go get him everyday, but also, why shouldn't he get to walk home with a friend for a few blocks in our own neighborhood! If he can't be free range here, than where can he be?
And as for the video games, I'm with Emily. We too have a Wii (and we chose that game system becuase it seems to be more family friendly or group-game friendly, meaning, Olivia and Isabel can have just as much fun as the rest of us when playing and there are plenty of interesting games at all levels). I initially resisted, but Adam did some talking, and then part of me realizes that yes, this will be a part of their everyday functioning with other kids. Turns out that 8yr old boys don't talk about much more than Pokemon and video games.
Also, we use it as a method of incentive--and for that it is awesome. No piano, chores done, etc. = no Wii. And, of course, there's a daily time limit. It's cute for me now to see my older kids working cooperatively to get their work done and strategizing how they can share their time together in order to get more play in. Just remember, you will still be the one in charge....because it's amazing how long they are willing to play if you really let them.
Hope that this isn't too much rambling.
Lots of good thoughts, Anna. I think you're a great mom!
I'm a champion worrier--but I think it's interesting how we (I) pick our battles. Going places alone is a big no-no for me. Luckily we live in a wonderful cul de sac where Andrew always has friends to play with.
BUT, I confess that I let him ride (bike, scooter, rollar blades, zip stick) without helmets and other protective gear. (Ironically, my husband is a lot more "safety conscious" than I am.)
And, worse even than that, when my kids were little, I used to nurse them when the car was in motion. Sure, we used our car seats, but if somebody was completely inconsolable, they spent a few minutes on Mom's lap . . . and the car kept moving. We figured the chances of an accident skyrocketed when a baby was full-out screaming in the backseat! (Or if we were dead-exhausted from a trip that took way too long.) Luckily my kids are old enough now that I don't have to fear being jailed for that infraction!
When I supervise the playground at the school where I work, I'm interested in some of the rules we have. It's all about safety--but sometimes a rule doesn't make a lot of sense to me. My favorites are the snow rules--you can't walk on top of the packed snow banks left by the snow shovel guys. You can't climb on top of the marvelously huge snow balls you made. Why, I ask myself? The worst thing that's going to happen is that they're going to fall off--into all that nice fluffy white snow! (Secret: nobody gets hurt on snowy days. The amazing kids know it's slick!)
As for the media issues--well, you don't want me to go there. Let's just say that, in my opinion, therein lies a real danger--and it's one we can't be too vigilant about.
I think it's all about finding the balance so that our kids can be safe and yet still be kids. And that's not always easy.
P.S. Wasn't Rob 6 when he flew alone from Hawaii to SLC? His parents were braver than me!
I'm just catching up, but thought I'd give you my 2 cents... I too, want my kids to be able to experience the freedom that I had as a child. And slowly, I'm getting there. I'm very over protective, but each day I'm letting them have more and more freedom. (husband also says that I need to relax, and they'll be fine) I say at all time they can't be alone, they always need to go with someone else, and make sure they never leave anyone behind. There has and will always be crazies in the world, and it would be nice to be able to trust everyone, but you can't. I just try to trust my kids, that they'll make the right decisions, and bite my tongue too! I do feel more safe in a smaller town, then a huge city... but it is also because you know more people, meaning your kids also know them, and if they see something fishy they'll stop and make sure everything is ok, and strangers will just keep on going and could care less if you're kid was in trouble... anyway, thats me view.
Post a Comment